The Holiest of Nights

The apostles found the Easter story just a bit hard to believe.  The women come rushing back from the tomb and the apostles think their story is nonsense.  Peter goes to the tomb to find it empty, but he is simply amazed, not suddenly filled with belief in the resurrected Lord.

Now, I know in my heart that God has graced me with faith, but I also know there are times when doubt creeps into my mind, when I, like the apostles, think the whole story is nonsense.  For while our Catholic beliefs have internal logic, the premises seem incredible.  In some fantastical way, God becomes a human being, who, while completely human, remains completely one and completely God, and who, in his human nature, dies an ugly death so that our sins can be forgiven?  Why?  That same person rises from the dead a few days later?  How?  And somehow, some way, His very body and very blood become present to us again at each and every Mass, even though it looks like, tastes like, feels like, simple bread and wine.  Really?

While this is hard enough to believe in itself, the sin that surrounds us every day, particularly the scandalous sin of those who we trust most, the pain and suffering we see and experience every day, can make my doubts grow stronger.  Am I headed to hell, if, in fact, there is any such thing?

While belief is hard, it’s important to note that, quite surprisingly, Jesus rarely talks to his disciples about belief.  Oh, sure, he talks plenty about faith: “if you have faith the size of a mustard seed…;”  “oh, ye or little faith…:”, “your faith has saved you…;”  “When the Son of Man comes again, will he find any faith on earth?”  We could cite dozens more.

However, the evangelists invariably use a Greek word for faith that does not connote what we call “belief” – an intellectual assent that some particular idea is true.  When Jesus refers to faith, he means faithfulness or loyalty, as being faithful to your word, or loyal to a friend.  St. Jerome certainly understood this, for when he translated the biblical Greek to Latin, he used “fidele,” the root for our English work “fidelity.”  

On the one hand, this consoles to me when my doubts cause me to think as the disciples did on the first news of the resurrection – could this simply be nonsense?   In those times of doubt in mind, I can still strive to be faithful in my heart to what Jesus teaches me!  That’s a relief!

But on the other hand, this may be even scarier than doubt.   I’m afraid – much as the women at the tomb were afraid, that my heart often falls far short of fidelity to Jesus.  I think of the times when I felt that my hatred of others was justified by their evil deeds or their evil intents towards me.  How can I reconcile those feelings with Jesus telling me to love my enemies?  I remember times when I eagerly sought and exacted retaliation for even the most minor insult or slight.  How can I reconcile this with Jesus teaching me to turn the other cheek?  Then there are the times when I worry about, even obsess about, financial security.  How does that reconcile with Jesus urging me to trust in God and be like the sparrows in the sky or the flowers in the field.  And finally, how do my many day-to-day failings, forgetfulness in thanking God for all of his gifts to me, lack of charity, simply being buried in the mundane minutiae of life, match up against Jesus’ injunction to be “perfect as your heavenly father is perfect.”

Certainly, one of my favorite hymns has it right: the grace of faith has caused my heart to fear.  Lucky for me, the resurrection story shows that while I may not always be faithful to Jesus, Jesus is always faithful to me.  The young men in the tomb remind the women that Jesus has told them this would happen, and it has.  He has risen, as he promised.  He will go before us, as he promised.  And he promises to be with us until the end of time.  The grace of Jesus’ faithfulness relieves my fears when I allow his grace fill my heart.

When we are in doubt, follow Jesus.  When we fall short, remember that Jesus is always faithful, always forgiving, always loving and leading us to eternal life.

This holy night, we celebrate with great joy the precious gift of Jesus’ faithfulness to each one of us. 

He has risen, as he said.  Alleluia.  Alleluia.  Alleluia.